Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus (2009), or Need I Say Anything More?

24 12 2009

Lap this up while you can, guys; this will be my last shitty movie review of the year. And I don’t mean that the reviews themselves won’t be shitty from here on out, because I can’t promise you that (don’t review my reviews, you review-reviewing son of a bitch…). but, the last week in 2009, the year of our Lord, I will be reviewing some really good stuff to end on a good note! But we still have one little hump to get over this year, so let’s flash forward all the way back to 2009. Back when we were all so young, when cars observed the rules of the road, when old ladies were treated with respect, and when the Rhinosaur epidemic of 2009 was only a lingering legend thrown around by clerics and the forgotten members of Soundgarden. Back then, I was working in the back room of a Barnes & Noble, fucking shit up with a propensity that can only be described as a Work-Gasm, and I was listening to our old, antiquated FM radio receiver (how naive we were back then!!!), when some ass-face of a Morning Zoo Crew DJ started interviewing a spritely Deborah Gibson about a new movie she was in. It involved giant sharks, giant-er octopi, scientists trying to stop them from destroying the world, and an evil government agent trying to keep the scientists down with the power of his will. It was called Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus, and as soon as I heard the title, I was unbearably hooked to the idea. It sounded so cheesy, and Gibson said in her interview, if I can recall it from so long ago, that she was camping it up big time. So as fast as I could, I drove in my old-fashioned automobile to the ol’ videocassette store to rent it that day. Well, after having seen it for the first time in what must have been MONTHS, I am revisiting this camp classic, and I honestly love it as much as I did back in my youth.

I really don’t think I can do this story justice with words alone. Not with the time restraints I’m working on. Instead of failing miserably with the inadequacy of weak and weary words, take a look at this fresh and vibrant video to understand what we’re dealing with here:

That trailer reminds me of that shitty Tommy Lee Jones movie from the late 90s called Volcano, where the tagline boasted proudly with the haughtiness of youth and fire, “The Coast is Toast.” What steely reserve you must have to announce to the world that your movie is awesome just because it has giant animals in it! What dimension are you from where that still is considered a selling point? Apparently the right one, because as soon as I saw a clip of a giant shark eating a plane, I was THIS close to putting stains in my Adult Swim boxers.

The technical aspects aren’t even worth mentioning. The Asylum Productions, makers of fine DVD titles that expound on a blockbuster’s success (my favorites: Transformers came out in 2007, the same year we saw The Asylum’s Transmorphers, and when the third High School Musical came out, we saw the release of Sunday School Musical!!! Fucking brilliant!), Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus ekes along with the production value of any American Pie movie without Jason Biggs. It is a confusing mess of a movie that begs not only the question, “How much could this have cost?”, but also, “Why am I watching this sober?”. I don’t mind the lack of budget, the hokeyness of the shark and octopus’s overall look, the special effects that are surely inferior even to Steven Spielberg’s home movies, and the fact that this drivel claims to have Lorenzo Lamas “starring” in it, when everybody knows you have to be a star to star in something, but one thing that really bugs me is the director’s unseemly aversion to filler shots of the beach. There are lots and lots of beach shots; we’re on the beach WAY too much. And when we’re not on the beach, we’re watching tracking shots of seagulls who just CAME from the beach. Look, I know it’s an aquatic themed movie, but a beach is only half water! That’s like making a movie called Ham World, but instead of a 90 minute meat overload (which is also my nickname with the ladies…), all we get is fucking ham sandwich long takes. Seriously, count all the boring beach shots in this film, and by the time you do, you’ll be totally unconscious anyway to care.

Deborah Gibson is the sole saving grace of Mega Shark. She plays this up big time as a marine biologist who is interested in stopping the two aquatic giants from somehow killing millions of people. She is that typical goody-good, ultra-hot scientist who doesn’t take into account that she’s unnaturally attractive for a profession that probably doesn’t allow a lot of time for make-up and hair primping. She has a sense of humor about it, though, and you can tell from her performance that she knows exactly what she got herself into. Lorenzo Lamas, on the other hand, must either have an excellent, advanced sense of humor, or is dead serious about the realities of Mega Sharks and Giant Octopi. He is some jackass NSA type who needs the help of a sexy marine biologist to save his ass with some serious science. Maybe it’s his attitude, maybe it’s just his character, or maybe it’s just his face, but Lorenzo Lamas really bugs me in this movie. I couldn’t really like him after his smash hit television show Renegade was taken off the air, and this, as well as his fucking repulsive reality show, affirms the fact that until Renegade is picked up again, I want nothing more to so with that man.

But, in the end, the shark and the octopus are the stars, and they’re entertaining for those few WTF moments like the one I posted above. Most of the movie is actually spent away from them, tracking them and their movements, but when they’re on screen, although they don’t really look that good, the idea comes across well enough for a chuckle or two. Or a bunch of chuckles. Either way, Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus is an acquired taste. If you think this kind of cheesy stuff is funny, then you are going to have a blast picking it apart with your friends. But if you want more serious movies like Ghost or The Patriot, then I would take myself far away from this possibly intentional monstrosity. It’s good in that bad way, so I enjoyed it, but as a reviewer I must acknowledge that it is indeed BAD. I officially give Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus 2 1/2 ham sandwich long takes out of 10! But definitely watch it for laughs if you like to camp it up every now and then!

Tomorrow I start my last week with Christmas, and a seriously good movie called Rachel Getting Married! Until then!

(Note: I have been told to explain that I really don’t like either Ghost or The Patriot and that I was merely joking when I used them as examples of serious dramas: in my head I guess I just assumed that everyone, like myself, scoffed at those movies and used them as embarrassing conversational doormats when discussing lackluster Hollywood dramas. But I guess not. OOPS!)

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One response

1 01 2010
goregirl

How can a film with a giant octopus, a mega shark and Debbie Gibson be bad?!!

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