Friday The 13th (2009), or Don’t Fear The Reaper (Unless He Looks Like Jason, Then GET THE FUCK AWAY!)

4 08 2009

Everyone has a guilty pleasure. Mine happens to be slasher movies. The thrill of the chase, the gratuitous nudity, the gruesome death scenes. Perhaps this just sounds like the musings of a wistful serial killer, but I mean it. Every slasher movie works off of a formula, a formula that has been used for decades, but in the past few years, it seems like our generation has found a knack for cutting and pasting, because the formula is all out of whack. How did we get from the original Halloween to the Black Christmas remake? The try to take things out of the formula or switch them around, trying in vain to be “different”, or worse yet, “original”. Not enough breasts, not enough chase, not enough death, or sometimes all three. Sometimes the setup is too long, sometimes the killer has an ultra-gimmicky identity. It’s a mess all over, and makes the slasher appear on the surface to be a dying genre. Strangely enough, though, cruel and exploitative director Michael Bay happens to love sitting on the chests of dying genres and see the light extinguish from their eyes. Thus, we have today’s feature, the Friday the 13th reboot from Michael Bay’s horror factory, Platinum Dunes. It’s actually the best remake to come out of that production company, which still means it’s far from perfect, but I found it to be an intriguing take on the franchise that makes me hungry for more sequels.

The story is irrelevant. It’s yet another ancillary setup used to get horny teenagers in a close proximity to the hulking mass of evil known as Jason Voorhees. What does matter is the fact that there are more deaths than ever and fewer dead spots of exposition in between. They jam-pack more deaths and action here than what they had in the first three movies combined! It’s pretty good, actually. This is real-deal slasher exploitation given to the masses by the most exploitative man on Earth, Michael Bay. My three personal favorites:

-Stabbing a guy to death with a PIPE!

-Chopping a guy in the face with a MACHETE!

-The Pothead’s death (see it for yourself!!!)

Oh, did you need some titties? Well, here you go!!! There’s so much nudity going on here I thought I’d rented a snuff film by mistake! The lead actresses are attractive in that generic Barbie doll kind of way, and it doesn’t grate on my nerves too much to see them nude. The sex is explicit for a mainstream movie, which means obviously no vagina or penis (WHY NOT?!?!), but ridiculous amounts of boobage popping out. I personally have no problem with that, but it does leave a bad taste in my mouth when they try to be so risque in the face of all this blood and mayhem and there are no genitals. What a cop-out.

Jason here, like with the recent Rob Zombie Halloween update, hugefies the killer, making him even more massive and unstoppable than before. He feels like a force of nature that will only stop when it gets what it wants. The chasing is done very well, although at some points I feel like Jason goes a little too fast. In this reboot, Jason can BOOK it. He’s not fucking around anymore! People always wondered whether Voorhees could run or not, citing that he never ran after the fourth one, where he became a little, um, undead. Well, I don’t know if it’s the time-frame of this reboot, but this guy has some sprinting skill! He might just be in the NFL when he’s not butchering innocents! It does give him a bit of an unfair advantage, considering he’s already ridiculously strong and has an unnatural drive to commit murder, compared to the faceless and nameless teens, but why not stack the deck as much as possible, right? Most of them have to die anyway.

It’s not the best slasher ever made, but it got me pumped again about the franchise. I’ve always loved Friday the 13th, and this was a chance to relive my first time watching a Jason movie. As the screams erupted from a dark and dingy Camp Crystal Lake, I felt like this was a pretty good directorial effort from a guy with only 4 credits to his name. It’s got style, tits, and blood; at the end of the day, what more could you POSSIBLY want from a franchise like this? I dunno, but I give the Friday the 13th 7 1/2 mammaries out of 10. Not bad!

Tomorrow I take it down into the ground for The Descent!

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