If you are on the internet for any significant amount of time, you’ve heard of the Angry Video Game Nerd. Over at Cinemassacre, his very own website, Web Mogul James Rolfe posts hilarious rants about old video games and how horrible they are. While I agree that old video games ARE horrible, I have to say that I am a bit miffed with him in that he stole my thunder on this one. On his website, I found that a review I was hoping to do first had already been done by the man himself, a review so widely seen that it might as well be the only one in existence. King Kung Fu was a movie that I remembered watching on one of the Saturday Night Movie of the Week programs in Longview, TX in my youth. I remembered very little about it other than the goofy name and the guy in the monkey costume playing the titular character (honestly, how does one forget the name “King Kung Fu”? I’d forget my own name before I forgot something like that!). It was a film I was planning on watching again at some point, much to the delight of all 3 of you who have followed me thus far. But what do I find when the DVD comes in and I am ready to research this ridiculous piece of schlock-comedy? That James “Cinemassacre” Rolfe has steam-rolled my idea ten times over, and that not only has everybody already seen or at least heard about this movie by now, but I would be foolish to even try to top anything the dreaded AVGN put forth unto the world!
So I am at a hopeless situation, folks. I can’t do the review now, considering the huge following James “I’m Bigger Than Jesus” Rolfe has and how tiny and pathetic Cinematronica is (He even has a review of the movie on IMDB! And it’s the most helpful one on the page!!!). And considering that popular=insightful, I might be one of the dumbest men on the face of the planet, so you probably wouldn’t want to hear what I’d have to say, anyway. So, instead of being totally shamed by the great and omniscient god of retro-gaming, James “Mighty Emperor of The Sea” Rolfe, I’ll eschew that indignity and do my best to totally ad-lib here. And what does a critic do better than anything else in the world? That’s right; go on a rant.
You know what I hate? I mean REALLY hate? People who don’t like subtitles. More specifically, people who will decline to watch a movie if it is subtitled. We all know someone who is vehemently against watching a subtitled movie. You know the kind; if you even mention that one of movies you rented is foreign, they’ll say, with utter disdain, “Oh. *audible sigh* Subtitles, huh?“, then quickly walk away from the rentals like they were made of pure anthrax.
I always get that here in Texas from people who, while not idiotic by any stretch, are despicably picky when it comes to the presentation of their movie. The same old tired line I get here in the South is, “Subtitles? I don’t want to READ my MOVIE! No, thank you!” Really? Are you five years old?! Do you really think that quote-unquote “hilarious” bon-mot is adequate justification for your lack of objectivity? Would any one of you miss out on the movie of a lifetime if said movie happens to be foreign? These people would, as has become apparent by their bitterly belligerent attitude toward foreign cinema. Gladly, if you goaded them about it.
After asking these people just what the fuck their problem is with subtitles, then laughing in their faces once their incongruent answer shames them, I’ve narrowed their responses down to three possible reasons, although none of them really justified:
1. “But the screen gets too busy when I have to watch and read at the same time! Boo Hoo!”- This explanation is the one most readily thrown out at me, and the one that is most easily debunked. These people claim that, like the chocolate conveyor belt on I Love Lucy, subtitles and movies together at the same time make for a frantic, headache-inducing watch. This is ridiculous, and an easily bandied excuse, most likely thrown out by people who have rarely watched subtitled movies. Why do I say that? Well, take a look at this clip from one of those damn dirty foreign flicks:
OH! MY NECK! IT’S WHIPLASH! THEY WERE RIGHT! Obviously, anyone who has seen a foreign film knows that they space out the appropriate amount of words per caption so you can keep up easily. You’re in no danger of breaking your brain in order to keep up.
2. “Subtitles take away too much of the screen! I can’t see the bottom half of the movie when they’re talking!” – This one is also pretty flimsy. People will say that because of those thick, bulky subtitles, nobody can see the bottom portion of the screen. Assume, once again, that these people are just making up excuses, and ask them what subtitled movies they have seen. Because I have never, not once, ever, had subtitles get in the way of a scene for me. Here’s another of them damn art house gay-boy pictures:
Now, to be fair, I couldn’t see a thing because of those morbidly obese subtitles, but I’m sure it was a great movie trailer!
3. “I don’t care what you say; I just don’t like them!”- This is where the argument will always end up. It’s basically the fetal position of arguments, and I don’t much like it, but in the end some people cannot be persuaded. It’s a shame to let people live after confronting them with such evidence and watching them still deny it, I know, but we must be civilized. But if you can get at least one person, ONE person, into a room playing a Truffaut film, maybe they’ll see the light, and we as human beings won’t have to get into a bloody street brawl over the issue ever again.
Whew! So that’s my rant. I liked it, overall, and I think that it was a good cover for the fact that I watched a movie with an inordinate amount of internet knowledge behind it already. If I was to rate my rant, I would give it 10 James “Devourer of Worlds” Rolfes out of 10! My highest recommendation!
Tomorrow I’ll be doing a real review! Come back then for when I take on L’enfant!