Wild Hogs (2007), or You Weren’t Funny When You Were Young, So What Makes You Think You’re Funny Now?!

24 02 2009
If you liked Wild Hogs, youll love being a middle-aged stereotype!

If you liked Wild Hogs, you'll love being a middle-aged stereotype!

Oh.

Oh my.

This movie really sucks.

Hello, friends and compatriots. Cinematronica here, churning out another movie for Comedy Week. I have come to the conclusion over the past week that people are completely insane. I see so many defenders of this movie all over the place in my home state of Texas, mainly people who fit the film’s target demographic, who say that people over-analyze things too much and we should just “shut up and laugh!” Well, anyone over 40 who has seen this movie, I have to say that while I respect you and your seniority over me and my lack of experience in life, I cannot honestly believe you when you say that you love this movie. Younger folks, don’t listen to your elders this time. Wipe the greens off your plate, take the twist-tie off the bread and wash your whites and darks together because with this massive adult mistake all bets are off. It’s like Santa Claus all over again, and I’m sorry, but fool me once, shame on you…

Sigh… Okay, here we go. The story follows four suburban friends, real average American men (emphasis on average), who are fed up with their individual predicaments. Doug is a dentist, a washed-out former college jock who peaked too early and can’t even form a relationship with his despondent son. Dudley is a “geek”, a computer programmer who is middle-aged and alone. All he wants in life is (drumroll please)… a WOMAN! Bobby is a plumber who is constantly berated by his horrid wife and his equally horrible daughters. It’s HILARIOUS. Anyway, he wants to write a how-to guide for plumbing, and you’ll never guess in a million years if he does it or not. And Woody is a once-wealthy businessman whose wife wants a divorce and whose money is all gone. Seeing himself go bankrupt prompts him to ask his friends to go on a cross-country road trip on their Harleys. The friends have always been big bike enthusiasts, and they often ride together to the local bar on their bikes as a flaccid show of camaraderie, but they have never stepped out past their comfy suburban lives on a real journey before. This intrigues his friends, also down on their luck, and agree to the idea. Together, the friends run into a lot of completely ingenious situations that have never been done before in a movie. Along the way, they begin to find themselves and each other (in a totally hetero way, because they are not getting paid enough to kiss). Loser Dudley even finds an incredibly hot woman (what are the odds?!)! Everything is going good until a roving band of real hardcore bikers called the Del Fuegos call them out and make them realize that they might just be in over their big, dumb, suburban heads. Can four city boys stand up to the scary, “real-life” badasses? Can Dudley score with a girl way better than he deserves? Can these guys find their happiness in the wild, open road?

Okay, have you seen City Slickers? Well, guess what? You also saw Wild Hogs. It’s the same damn thing. Watch Without A Paddle, add twenty years on each of the characters in your mind. It’s the same damn thing. Watch the half of Deliverance that does NOT feature sodomy. It’s the same damn thing. It’s a tired idea that needs real talent to revitalize it, not four pieces of Hollywood gristle that fell on the floor on the way to the trash.

Tim Allen, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, and William H. Macy play Doug, Woody, Bobby, and Dudley respectively, and it is such a shame. These four have NO chemistry together. For four buddies, I do not really feel that they are having fun with one another as much as I feel that they are attempting to out-funny each other as actors. I am being very genuine when I say that not only did I not laugh once, but I actually groaned out loud by myself! How often do you do that? Not very often. Nobody is individually more horrible than anyone else; they are all equally groan-inducing. But nobody jives together as if they were real friends, especially Martin “White People Be Scared Of Black People” Lawrence. His act was never supremely hilarious, especially for a dumb white bastard like myself, but the lines they make this man say are atrocious, and even Martin “Black Folk Do Things Differently From White Folk” Lawrence should not be dragged to such a low.

There are some terrible gags here, many of them involving them being average guys and not enjoying being too close to one another. William H. Macy sums it all up when he has to ride on the same bike as John Travolta. John Travolta, as he is getting off the bike, expresses his discomfort with the situation, saying, “I could feel you smelling my neck”. He walks away before Macy could explain himself, telling his friend Martin Lawrence, “His cologne was fantastic! He smelled like a… lawyer cowboy.” Well, that’s the movie in a nutshell. Some people thinking things are gay when they really aren’t. HA!

There are some good cameos in this movie from much more talented people. You see glimpses of the Sklar Brothers and Kyle Gass, and sometimes you get the false hope that we will be taken away with their story. But, alas, it was not to be. Instead, we are greeted with a face that should only show itself every ten years for a good movie, Ray Liotta. He is the leader of the Del Fuegos, and a right cheery fellow to boot. I know the guy needs to work, but I can’t help but wonder if Scorcese saw this movie, called Liotta up and bitched him out. “I give you Goodfellas, and THIS is how you take care of yourself? You coulda been a star, Ray!”

I’ve said all I can say about this picture. I could regale you with the highlights, but oh wait! There are none. The formula is a tired one that should be trotted out only when everyone involved with the project is enthusiastic, talented, and on the same page. Until then, put it to bed. I give Wild Hogs 2 1/2 lawyer cowboys out of 10. And if one of your elders recommends this to you, tell them to watch Gigli; they’ll be glad you did.

Tomorrow is going to be a Night Out day, but I have no idea what I will watch. If you have any suggestions, let me know in the comments section. Otherwise, I’ll just figure it out myself. Until then!

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